GOD BLESS AMERICA

I know who I'm rooting for in the 2012 Olympics.

Vote For John McCain

La Pequeña Hillary Hulk

I really, really like La Pequena. I'm afraid he might just be a little ahead of his time.

This is Brilliant.

I'm usually about a year behind in things like this, but apparently, this 17 year old kid makes these songs in his bedroom.

I highly recommend you check out all of his stuff on youtube.

http://www.boston.com/ae/theater_arts/articles/2008/02/13/nonfamily_humor_straight_from_home/

Greatest Ending to Fight in History of Televison

- I'm Sarah Palin, and I approve this message.

Sarah Palin and the Rape Kits

Freestlye Rap Battle: Translated

Greatest Comedy Team Ever?

"Clean comedy corporate entertainers" Brinnon and Marks.

I dare you to stop watching this.

Great Stuff

If you don't like this....you and I had very different childhoods.

Nothing cooler has ever been done with action figures by anyone. Except me. When I pretended my GIJoe and Star Wars guys were NBA players, and created a league, played games with a makeshift basketball hoop out of a milk cap, taped down a court with masking tape, and tossed up the marble between Destro and Chewbacca at center court.

Nothing cooler.

V Day

Before I went in for a vascetomy, I did a lot of reading on the internet. I love the internet. The internet normally knows everything. To be perfectly honest, though, she kinda let me down on this one. I am compelled to publish the following because of my suspicion that the vascetomy industry has successfully created a misleading vascetomy mythos:

VASCETOMY.....Myth vs. Reality

MYTH: Your vascetomy doctor is a normal guy. He views all parts of the body in a professional manner. He only got into Urology because the money was good or some other benign circumstance.

REALITY: This is your vascetomy doctor, and he loves cocks. He's always been a great appreciator of the cock, and that's great because, frankly, you'd like him to be an afficionado, figuring a guy who really loves cocks is going to be extra careful not to disturb their natural beauty in any way.

And like Charlie Crist he's professional enough to carry on a sham marriage for professional reasons.

MYTH: Before you go in you might want to shave your balls to save the doctor some time. Have your significant other help you, it can be fun.

REALITY: Shaving of the scrotum is not for everyone. It is not easy to do. This is not flat, even skin resting on bone. People are advised against wearing crocs on escalators but I'm supposed to run the triple blade action of the Mach 3 up and down my wrinkly sack? And the proposition of leaving it in the hands of my wife is horrifying. The woman sowed some school patches on the kids school uniform pockets. Now the pockets don't open. I'm sorry, but I'm going to need precision here.

MYTH: Your doctor will ask you to come in for a consultation, sit down with you, make sure you know what you are getting into, and explain the entire process to you.

REALITY: Your doctor has his face on a billboard proclaiming that he has performed 17,000 vascetomies, at least. He tells you to just look at his website, watch the video, and come on in. Questions during the procedure are answered, but always preceded by "Didn't you watch the video?" He loves cocks, not people.

MYTH: It doesn't hurt. Just rest up for a few days, you won't even need stitches. That's how small the puncture wound is. It's over in 15 min. They only prescribe aspirin afterward, and a lot of guys don't even bother to take it.

REALITY: I hate to harp on the nut shaving, but I think it's worthy to note that when you mention to the good doctor that you made a valiant attempt but were ultimately unsuccessful , he'll quip, "Well, I suppose I've shaved a good many more scrotums in my day than you have. Let me get my straight edge."

Then, he'll proceed to go to town....dry....with the straight edge. Which is horrifying. But painless relative to the alcohol application to follow.

When you begin cussing, the doctor will ask you not to scream out and make all the patients in the lobby nervous, because that would "ruin his day."

The application of the anesthesia is not a big deal. It is done without a needle. Once the procedure begins you can't really feel anything at first, then you feel a sort of pressure. A kind of a pulling sensation. The doctor will invite you to watch. To lean up on your elbows because "some guys get a kick out of it." You will decline. You will not want to see this:

Yep. He pulls each of the cords out and cauterizes them. That is the burning smell that catches your nose. For the next few days you will feel like a donkey kicked you in the nuts. You will keep your junk securely in a jock strap. Sleeping will be a bit difficult. Basically, if you don't move you are ok. And by the way, the reason that he's standing at attention there, is because the good doctor has bunched up the shirt on your chest, and tied a rubberband between your shirt and the tip of your cock.

And now, you will be properly vacetomized. Feel free to cum all over everything.

It's been about a month....

I know, I know. I've been really busy. I will return shortly.

I can't help myself

The 6th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I don't think that Scarlett Johansson has ever done anything that I liked. Lost in Translation was ok, I guess....but I don' t think it was necessarily because of anything that she did, or that Jennifer Love Hewitt couldn't have done in her heyday.

She thinks that she's email buddies with Barack Obama, and gets all giddy when she opens up her email and reads the "personal response" penned by one of Barack's staffers who can't wait to tell his friends how he emailed Scarlett Johansson.

She thinks that she can sing. And she can't sing. She really can't sing. She really, really can't sing. But, that's not necessarily a fatal flaw to the list. (see Hayden Panetierre)

Anyway, there's just something about ScoJo that I like. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Some girls are on this list despite the fact that they aren't the most physically attractive females in the world. They have intangibles. (they are ninjas, great cooks, etc.) I don't find anything intangible about Scarlett. She is completely tangible.

Young Hillary Clinton

2 Girls 1 Birthday Cake

I want this cake for my birthday party.

Instruction from Rachel Ray

You might not want to listen to this at work.

You know, nothing starts a trend of good, old-fashioned sexual harassment jokes at work like a sexual harassment video or seminar. We are so due for one at work. I hope we have one coming up.

My Favorite Teenagers in the World

"I mean who doesn't like...who doesn't like money"

"Like, I know it was a crime, but it was an easy crime."

"Like, I don't feel sadness for that little girl. I mean, she's getting a lot of money right now (pointing) from people who feel bad for her, so...whatever."

These girls are hilarious. If I didn't hate reality tv so much, I would say that they need a reality tv show, immediately. Before they end up on the pole.

Honestly, I don't know why girl scouts evoke such sympathy. I'm pretty sure those cookies are bad for us. Laced with high-fructose corn syrup. Contributing to the rampant obesity in American society. These bony teenagers were doing us all a favor.

Everyone Loves the Underdog

Christina Aguilera was in a lot of singing competitions when she was young, and according to Wikipedia:

"...whenever competitors learned they would be up against her in any given week, they would immediately withdraw, prompting insiders to claim it was "like sending a lamb to the slaughter." Her peers soon became jealous of her and would frequently subject her to ridicule, ostracism, and, in one gym class, attempted assault. Acts of vandalism around her house included the slashing of the tires on the family car. Eventually, the family relocated to another suburb in the Pittsburgh area and took to secrecy about Aguilera's talent lest another backlash occur." (citing VH1)

When you have wikipedia citing VH1, you know it's true.

Wow. She was such a bad-ass child singer, it caused the residents of her town to beat her up in the bathroom and slash the tires of her car. Her family hid her in secrecy. That seems like a bit of an overeaction. Anyway, it shows that they probably weren't white trash. If someone beat up Britney and slashed the tires of the Spears' family El Camino, they wouldn't move out of town. They'd call it a pretty good month.

So, Christina catches a big break and lands the Mickey Mouse Club on the Disney Channel. On the show were Keri Russell, Justin Timberlake, and Britney. Christina was the talented thirteen year old who sang like a banshee. Britney was the one who was always chewing gum, stirring Kool-aid with her forearm, and having thirteen-year old sex with Justin Timberlake, who had yet to be molested by his creepy homosexual manager.

Show is canceled, years go by, Christina spends her time singing national anthems and performing backup vocals. Then, suddenly there is Britney acting like a slutty little girl wanting to be spanked, and she's a superstar. Christina, naturally runs out and makes a song about asking people to rub her teenage clit, so she can orgasm and naturally she's instantly a star, too.

Always a step behind Britney, though. That white-trash, no talent, brainless cunt who used to fuck that curly haired gay kid back at the Disney channel. They both kiss Madonna, but only Britney is represented as a slutty lesbian. They don't even show Christina acting like a slutty lesbian

What Christina does next, is why I love her and why the

7th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

is

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

She reflects on what started it all for Britney. Britney implied that she wanted a spanking and that she wanted us all to spank her. That pretty much did it. So, if Britney was going to need a little school-girl spanking, then by god, Christina was not only going to need a little school-girl spanking.....

....she was going to need a bare-assed, bare-handed spanking.

And she's gonna be all dirty,

and she's gonna be all clean,

but she's still gonna need that spanking.

That's why I love her. She's willing to do anything to make us like her. That is ALWAYS a good quality in a woman.

Ziyi Zhang or Zhang Ziyi

Her name is either one of those, I'm not sure, but she is the.....

8th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

ZHANG ZIYI

She pretends to know kung-fu better than anyone I know, she learned english by listening to Eminem, and she's Chinese. She's kind of like Lucy Liu, but smaller and cuter and without the crooked eyes.

Here she is in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Here she is selling milk.

Here she is swinging on a rope.

I don't understand directors these days that make movies without Zhang Ziyi in them. It happens all the time, the theaters are chock full of them. I go to the movies, watch the whole damn thing, there are like literally hundreds of people in them, and not one of them is Zhang Ziyi. You can't find room for a little Chinese girl in the movie? No one needs a massage, or their nails done, or a ninja turtle killed? In the whole movie? Come on.

Upon Further Review....

I am pulling Mélissa Theuriau from the #8 spot and reserving the right to place her further up (down?) in the list. Clearly, she was placed too low (high?), and I would like to apologize to her, her family, and the french media.

Here is the Third Nipple.

Lily Allen hosts a talk show in England, it's kind of like a quiz show/comedy show. But, I don't really know because I don't get the BBC on my cable package. Anyway, watch this to see her third nipple.

8th Hottest Celebrity Female in the World

Mélissa Theuriau

I like to put this on in my office, and just listen to it while I work.

I know I'm going to be called unpatriotic, but I wish France had won World War II so we'd all have to speak this language. It's better than English. Let's just face it.

My Weekend

I spent the weekend in Disneyworld with my wife and kids. My wife had a bad back, and couldn't walk around, so I had to push her around in a complimentary Disneyworld wheelchair. Her back has been hurting her so bad that she's been supressing a cough. This has caused her to lose her voice. So, she can't walk, can't move, and can't talk. It was basically like going to Disneyworld with your kids and Terry Schaivo. If Terry Schaivo were conscious and could rasp her complaints at you.

How could you not see that rock? Don't you know I'm in pain?

Feed the children, their eyes are losing moisture.

Don't you see that man molesting our son? Stop him.

blah, blah, blah

What a freaking drag. I've got it woman! I am an important, powerful man. I can find the freaking Teacups on my own.

Well, it's been a while, and I understand that some of you are getting impatient. I promise I'll start writing more. I understand that your comments have been misplaced encouragement. You are angry. I get that. Believe me, it is appreciated and I feel the love. So, without further adieu:

The 9th Hottest Female Celebrity In The World

LILLY ALLEN

Ok, so maybe she's not the 9th "hottest" woman in the world, by objective "tits and ass" standards, but she's cool as shit, and she has a third nipple.

English accents are bad ass. I don't care what anyone says. One of her videos is about her pot-smoking little brother who masturbates all day, and is a puppet. How can you beat that?

She hates the band Jet, and has hurled heavy objects at them. Apparently, she was so drunk that she doesn't remember it. But, she's still not the least bit sorry, because they suck. That scores her points. I hope Miley Cyrus is taking notes.

Lilly started her career on the internet by posting demos on her MySpace page. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, MySpace is a site where teenagers go to challenge each other to taped fights.

Lilly enjoys fluctuating between a size 12 and size 8. She looks good either way, and regardless of her weight always enjoys the advantage of having 50% more nipples than other women of similar size.

Hayden Scares Child

I love Hayden Panettiere. Look at that poor kid. He thought he was getting eaten.

This link is worth watching.

Don't Ever Give Up Hope

There's someone out there for you.








Nicole

Release date: August of 2010







I have a lot of friends who haven't met the right someone yet. Usually it is because they don't have the time to go out and meet someone or they set their standards too high, or subconsciously they don't think they are good enough for the people that they are attracted to.


I have found the perfect solution, my friends. Women Behind Bars.com










Dawn

Release date: December 2009








Think about it. Desperate for attention. Captive audience. Isn't going anywhere. Isn't going to be cheating on you. They probably have conjugal visit privileges. And you know the release date, so you can prepare to vanish if necessary. Honestly, I don't see the downside here.


There are some really interesting girls on there. Like, here. Your search is over!!


You are telling me that you are 100% sure that you can do better than Shandah? 26, only one kid. Wants someone honest, because she can only be as real as you let her be.



Vernice is open to becoming bisexual, boys! Get in line.
















Renee


Release date: Unknown

Apologies

I think it's going to be a safe assumption that when I don't post for several weeks, that I'm going through a rough patch. You should worry about me and call to see if I'm ok. Thanks for calling. You worthless motherfuckers.

I'm watching the Cavs/Bulls game right now. Reggie Miller has just forced himself to sound excited while going into commercial. I think LeBron James wears his headband so that he can get an automatic foul every time it falls off.

I don't like LeBron. He pounds his hands together and dusts everyone with powder before tip-off. Just like Garnett. That's so god-damned unoriginal and lame. I think that LeBron's commercials invoke the Arsenio/Whoopi/Magic Johnson school of comedy from the 90's. I wish he passed like Magic Johnson, instead of performing comedy like magic johnson.

Look at the intro to that show! My favorite part, other then when he sticks his melon in for the first time, is when he is fake drumming with Sheila E. I can't believe they invited Howard Stern as a guest. This was back when Howard Stern was funny, and he was killing Magic every single day. It got to the point where the ratings of "The Magic Hour" were so bad that they desperately needed a show that would get big ratings. Like taking the defibrillators to the heart. And Magic was so very bad. They producers were probably throwing up their hands and saying "what the hell, what do we have to lose. I can't believe we gave Magic this show. Fuck him. Book Stern." CLEAR!!

And Stern comes on, takes up a music slot, plays the keyboard, and has people farting on the air like it was a radio bit. He tells Magic that he should just talk in Ebonics, and gets him to admit he has a speech coach. Tells Sheila E. to dress sluttier, rip off her top, and calls her a Mulatto. These producers really hated Magic. In part 4 they bring out the second guest, with Howard Stern still sitting on the couch, and it's the Playboy Playmate of the year. That's who they expect Magic to interview with Howard sitting right there. And Magic actually tries to give a serious interview. It get's so bad, they give Sheila a 6 minute solo to end the show.



The landlord called to tell me that the Barak Obama sign in my lawn violates some sort of neighborhood policy, and that I have 30 days to take it down. Oh yeah? Really? You know what I did? I quietly removed it. I have officially given up all pretense of sticking it to the man.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I don't know what St. Patrick's Day is for. It was always the lamest holiday in school. No presents, no candy, no day off. Forget to wear green and get pinched all day long. And not just from the girls in a good way. No, there was always that overzealous kid that would pinch me so hard, he'd leave a welt. Then, I would challenge him to a fight and get my ass kicked. I fucking hate Irish people.

Here are the three best muppets of all time, together in honor of this god-forsaken curse of a holiday.

YUM-O!!

The 10th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

RACHAEL RAY

I can't turn away from Rachael Ray when she's turning a big, wooden spoon in a pot of hot, steaming Awesome Autumn Stew . But who can? Look, lots of women have certain things about them that catch your eye. Rachael's just happen to be made up of handfuls of ground chuck, EVOO, and raw eggs.

I love Rachael because she isn't skinny, she cooks good old-fashioned American food that I'd like to have sex with, and she can handle a knife. So, if Rachael and I were ever in trouble I could run away.

I'll be back in a Week

I'm going to be on vacation for a week. I got an absolute STEAL on Priceline for 6 days and 5 nights at a Serbian hotel. I'm not sure where Serbia is, exactly, but I think it's near France. And France is fun, right? Anyway, I'll be writing a full review of the Kosovo Arms Hotel upon my return. I hear it has a great play area for the kids.

I don't condone illegal drugs. (yes I do) I don't condone Star Trek. I don't condone Starship. But Jefferson Airplane + Drugs + Star Trek = awesome.

I'm currently drafting a post on my 10 favorite female celebrities. It's pretty much central to everything this blog is all about, so I'm not rushing this one. I've used countless pots of coffee, internet searches, and conducted polls using random names in the phone book. My readers will not be cheated on this one.

Also, for the fantasy baseball fans, Rounds 10-12 are imminent.

I Hate My Kids' Cartoons These Days

The shows they have on television these days are absolute crap. Not only do they fail in promoting positive values, but they actually encourage poor behavior.

Did you know that Spongebob's only education is Boating School? He flips hamburgers for a living. He failed boating school, and he works in the underwater equivalent of McDonald's. And he lives alone. Has no wife or girlfriend whatsoever. This is the example that my kids are subjected to every day after school?

I wish they could watch the cartoons I did when I was growing up. When we listened to our parents. Before video games were so prevalent. When we used to go out and excercise once in a while. When there were good, old-fashioned, healthy cartoons like the Flintstones, whose characters maintained solid family relationships and worked hard for a living.

Rounds 7-9

Round 7

73. Justin Morneau 1b, Minnesota Twins

74. Derek Lee 1b, Chicago Cubs

75. Carlos Guillen SS/1b, Detriot Tigers

76. Andruw Jones OF, Los Angeles Dodgers

77. Brad Penny SP, Los Angeles Dodgers

78. Eric Byrnes OF, Arizona Diamondbacks

79. Javier Vazquez SP, Chicago White Sox

80. Troy Tulowitzki SS, Colorado Rockies

81. Paul Konerko 1b, Chicago White Sox

82. Mark Young SS, Texas Rangers

83. Matthew Cain SP, San Francisco Giants

84. Scott Kazmir SP, Tampa Bay Rays

I love this round. There is a lot of talent in Round 7. Looking at it now, I think the first closer run should happen in Round 7 instead of Round 6. But, it probably won't. Plan accordingly.

Round 8

85. Hideki Matsui OF, New York Yankees

86. Jeffrey Francoeur OF, Atlanta Braves

87. Fausto Carmona SP, Cleveland Indians

88. Daisuke Matsuzaka SP, Boston Red Sox

89. Robert Jenks RP, Chicago White Sox

90. Carlos Zambrano SP, Chicago Cubs

91. Aaron Rowand OF, San Francisco Giants

92. Torii Hunter OF, Minnesota Twins

93. Jason Bay OF, Pittsburgh Pirates

94. Adrian Beltre 3b, Seattle Mariners

95. Richard Hill SP, Chicago Cubs

96. Chad Cordero RP, Washington Nationals

I like this round, also. Everyone is going to be drafting a player that's going to play for them every day, the entire year in Round 8, so pick carefully. These next few rounds are really where you make or break your team. A lot depends on whether you choose to fill positions or pick the best talent available. I think you are still picking the best talent available at this point.

Round 9

97. Matthew Capps RP, Pittsburgh Pirates

98. Johnny Damon OF, New York Yankees

99. Christopher Young OF, Arizona Diamondbacks

100. Delmon Young OF, Minnesota Twins

101. Jason Isringhausen RP, St. Louis Cardinals

102. Manuel Corpas RP, Colorado Rockies

103. Jose Valverde RP, Arizona Diamondbacks

104. Kevin Gregg RP, Florida Marlins

105. Joakim Soria RP, Kansas City Royals

106. Adrian Gonzalez 1b, San Diego Padres

107. Bradley Hawpe OF, Colorado Rockies

108. Jermaine Dye OF, Chicago White Sox

Closer Run 2.0 happens in Round 9, where teams realize that they can get an edge in saves if they pick a second closer with a job coming out of spring training, and teams without a closer need to get their first. If you notice though, the teams that resist this second closer run get solid OF's.

Clarification.

It's been brought to my attention that a lot of theblogmywifedoesntknowabout readers did not get the frame of reference for the last post. So, to clarify, the McCain video was a response to the video above. The reference to the speeches made by McCain and Obama, were references to the speeches made after it was determined that they each swept the primaries in Virginia, DC, and Maryland. We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout forgot that everyone reading this blog doesn't watch the exact same things that we at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout watch on television every night.

Also, I would like to make it clear that we at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout do not endorse any particular candidate. We are withholding endorsement at this time, so that we can, without bias, speak out against the push to seat the delegates from Florida and Michigan.

It is our belief at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout, that it is a civil rights violation to seat those delegates when the many good people of the forementioned states who did not vote, did not vote because they did not think their votes would have counted. This is prejudice against this specific group of non-voters.

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout liken the movement to seat the delegates of the states of Florida and Michigan, to a Fantasy Baseball comissioner adding OPS to the categories scored in the middle of the season because they have Arod, Fielder, and Vlad, but sucky pitching. And trying to justify it because OPS "is really the barometer that you measure a hitter by."

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout would quit that league.

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout would hate to have to write this blog from the Netherlands.

A Small Suggestion

Who the hell is in charge of the John McCain campaign, and why the hell didn't he/she wheel that old man out to give his speech BEFORE Barak Obama, tonight?

Obama was surrounded by 18,000 people, spoke like...well, Barak Obama. John McCain then, surrounded by the five people in Virginia older than himself, went on to counter Barak Obama's theme of hope. With his theme....against hope? I'm not sure I would run with that one, if I were him.

But, hey, I'm not a professional politician. Maybe it will work for him.

Rounds 4-6

As promised here are rounds 4-6:

Round 4

37. Juan Pierre OF, Los Angeles Dodgers

38. Desmond DeChone Figgins 3b, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

39. Garrett Atkins 1b/3b, Colorado Rockies

40. Aramis Ramirez 3b, Chicago Cubs

41. John Lackey SP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

42. Joseph Jason Putz RP, Seattle Mariners

43. Roy Oswalt SP, Houston Astros

44. Manuel Aristides (Onelcida) Ramirez OF, Boston Red Sox

45. Erik Bedard SP, Seattle Mariners

46. John Smoltz SP, Atlanta Braves

47. Jonathan Papelbon RP, Boston Red Sox

48. Harry Leroy Halladay SP, Toronto Blue Jays

This is where Juan Pierre makes his appearance. Say what you will, but he's a guaranteed 50 steals. Not a lot of quality power here, so the first tier of relievers pop up, and teams start drafting their aces.

Round 5

49. Daniel Haren SP, Arizona Diamondbacks

50. Derek Jeter SS, New York Yankees

51. Victor Martinez C, Cleveland Indians

52. Colbert Hamels SP, Philadelphia Phillies

53. Adam Dunn OF, Cincinnati Reds

54. Jason Hart OF, Milwaukee Brewers

55. Carlos Pena 1b, Tampa Bay Rays

56. Aaron Harang SP, Cincinnati Reds

57. Jason Verlander SP, Detroit Tigers

58. Bobby Abreu OF, New York Yankees

59. Francisco Rodriguez RP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

60. Kelvim Escobar SP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Still lots of good players here in Round 5. Someone is going to have to take Abreu here. We all know he's finished, but someone is going to be looking at him in Round 5, and they are going to feel obligated to take him. It won't be me.

Round 6

61. Tim Hudson SP, Atlanta Braves

62. Robinson Cano 2b, New York Yankees

63. Francisco Cordero RP, Milwaukee Brewers

64. Hunter Pence OF, Houston Astros

65. Vernon Wells OF, Toronto Blue Jays

66. Travis Hafner DH, Cleveland Indians

67. Takashi Sammy Saito RP, Los Angeles Dodgers

68. William Wagner RP, New York Metropolitans

69. Mariano Rivera RP, New York Yankees

70. Huston Street RP, Oakland Athletics

71. Chien-Ming Wang SP, New York Yankees

72. Miguel Tejada SS, Houston Astros

You are asking, "Isn't that a little early for Wang?" Yes, it is. Yes, it is. This round is where the closer-run happens, where an owner looks at his cheat sheet, doesn't know who the hell to pick, so he picks a closer. Then another follows suit. And then everyone else starts to realize that Matt Capps might be their #1 closer if they don't act soon. Miguel Tejada might weigh 170 lbs. by the time he's done detoxing.

Fantasy Baseball Time

Pitchers and catchers are reporting soon. If you aren't on your 3rd complete mock draft by now, it's pretty much over.

Listen, fantasy football is for boys. Boys and women. Women win in fantasy football. No woman has ever won a respectable fantasy baseball league. Fantasy baseball....where you must update your lineup daily, carefully study statistics and trends, and know who's third in line to close for the Pirates....is for men.

I am going to post my mock for rounds 1-3 here today, in a 12 team, AL/NL 5x5 rotisserie league. If you don't know what that means, good luck finding a girlfriend.

Why would I do this you ask, when members of my rotisserie league might be checking this site? Because, I'm that confident. That's why.

Round 1

1. Alexander Rodriguez 3b, New York Yankees

2. David Wright 3b, New York Metropolitans

3. Alberto Pujols 1b, Saint Louis Cardinals

4. Jose Reyes SS, New York Metropolitans

5. Hanley Ramirez SS, Florida Marlins

6. Miguel Cabrera 3b, Detroit Tigers

7. Mathew Holliday OF, Colorado Rockies

8. Chase Utley 2b, Philadelphia Phillies

9. James Rollins SS, Philadelphia Phillies

10. Johan Santana SP, New York Metropolitans

11. Prince Semien Fielder 1b, Milwaukee Brewers

12. Ryan Howard 1b, Philadelphia Phillies

There sure are a lot of Phillies and Mets in the first round this year. I am picking 9th in my league, and am seriously considering Johan Santana. But, the power/speed combo of Jimmy Rollins at the Short Stop position is too much to pass up. Jake Peavy will be there as my ace in round two. I pretty much have to decide, at 9, if I want Johan + Beltran, or Rollins + Peavy. For now, I'm thinking Rollins + Peavy because of the fact there are so many more OF's out there than SS, and Peavy isn't that far of a cry from Johan. And then there's the school of thought that I go Johan + Peavy, then hit offense heavily in the next few rounds. My previous mock drafts have not shown that to be wise, so for now, I'm not planning on going that route. Here's Round 2, remember it snakes back up. If you don't know what that means, you probably cross-stitch.

Round 2

13. Carl Crawford OF, Tampa Bay Rays

14. Grady Sizemore OF, Cleveland Indians

15. Alfonso Soriano OF, Chicago Cubs

16. Jacob Peavy SP, San Diego Padres

17. Carlos Beltran, OF, New York Metropolitans

18. Vladimir Guerrero OF, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

19. Mark Teixeira 1b, Atlanta Braves

20. Suzuki Ichiro OF, Seattle Mariners

21. Ryan Braun 3b, Milwaukee Brewers

22. Carlos Lee OF, Houston Astros

23. Lance Berkman OF/1b, Houston Astros

24. Brandon Phillips 2b, Cincinnati Reds

I know what you are saying. Where is Big Papi? Well, Big Papi isn't getting any younger. And he's only a DH. That's one slot he can be utilized in. He handcuffs your options. There are just better options out there. Guys who aren't getting older, have better position eligibility, and steal bases. I know the second thing you are saying. Where is Juan Pierre? Well, many of you might not realize this, but he hurts you in home runs. Quite a bit. He's sort of like Ichiro, if Ichiro didn't hit .350. Oh and by the way, batting average is overrated. It should be scrapped for OPS. And Wins should be scrapped for Quality Starts.

Round 3

25. Nicholas Markasis OF, Baltimore Orioles

26. Curtis Granderson OF, Detroit Tigers

27. Magglio Ordonez OF, Detroit Tigers

28. Melvin Emmanuel Bossman Junior Upton, OF/2b, Tampa Bay Rays (for now)

29. Brandon Webb SP, Arizona Diamondbacks

30. David Ortiz DH, Boston Red Sox

31. Russell Martin C, Los Angeles Dodgers

32. Alexis Rios OF, Toronto Blue Jays

33. Brian Roberts 2b, Baltimore Orioles

34. Carsten Charles Sabathia SP, Cleveland Indians

35. Joshua Beckett SP, Boston Red Sox

36. Joseph Nathan RP, Minnesota Twins

Some other stats I'd like to see: Command, Expected ERA, Eye, and fly ball-to-ground ball ratio. But, I'm having a lot of trouble drumming up support for those categories. I guess people still prefer playing fantasy baseball like their sisters.

I am Going to Buy a Piano

I'm going to get a piano for my kids. There are several reasons why I have to do this.

1. Children who received piano lessons scored 34% higher than their nonmusical counterparts in tests measuring spatial-temporal reasoning, which is the brain function used to understand math, science and engineering.

2. Piano lessons also help kids to learn how to keep a positive outlook when facing difficult tasks.

3. Kids who play the piano have improved fine motor skills.

4. Reading music takes a great deal of focus, causing a child to interpret a note and a rhythm, translate it into hand movements on the keyboard and then immediately go on to the next one, increasing their ability to focus.

5. It enables kids to write beautiful songs for their mother, like the one above.

God Bless Her

I don't know what made Hayden Panettierre suddenly come on the scene and start licking every man, woman, child, and inatimate object she came across, but god bless her. God, bless her.

A lot of people in this world find themselves in positions of power, whether god-given or earned. Some of them are evil. Some of them just find ways to justify why they should remain in power and take steps to stay there, without really contemplating how it affects the lives of those around them. Then, others, such as Hayden Panettierre use their powers for ultimate altruism. By simply extending her tongue, she touches the lives of the rest of us.

I might never get to actually meet Hayden Panettierre in person. But, if I do, there's a pretty good chance that she'll lick me, or something I happen to be holding in my hand, or someone standing next to me. That's why I always carry lollipops in my pockets.

I'm pretty sure Hayden would dig me. I never use oil-based soaps. I hardly ever perspire, and I shave my forearms. This, naturally, leads to an enjoyable, easy-licking experience.

And I really do like Dolphins. For those of you who've been on the moon or something for the past few months, Hayden loves dolphins and whales. She swims with them, and gets in the way of evil fishermen who try and kill them. Dolphins and whales, of course are mammals. Unlike most fish they don't have spines, scales, or a slimey coat. And they are almost entirely hairless. They are without a doubt, some of the most lickable animals Mother Nature has to offer. Anyway, I love dolphins. They are smart and funny, and smile all the time. Have you seen a dolphin face? It's always smiling. If it were up to me, no dolphin would ever die. They'd fill the sea.

I went and looked up Oral Fixation on Wikipedia, because Wikipedia has all the answers. Seriously, if it's not on there, it probably isn't true. ANYONE can post information on Wikipedia. ANYONE. No editing or censorship or anything. If you want the truth, go to Wikipedia.

Wikipedia says that Hayden probably didn't get breast fed enough or something. That she was underfed or neglected, and became orally dependent and obsessed with achieving the oral stimulation of which she was deprived, and that she's learned to lick stuff to fulfill her needs rather than maturing to independence. That's sad. And hot.

I've already established that she's an altruist and not a typically selfish, orally fixated person. That's exactly why I take a lot of painstaking precaution to keep my forearms smooth and dolphin-like in the event that I meet her in person some day.

I hope we all can learn to love the world as much as Hayden Panettierre does.

Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

I've been going to the movies for a long time, and in that time I've seen plenty of previews. I don't need to see the movies anymore to write a good review. I guarantee 100% accuracy.


Atonement



In this period piece, Kiera Knightley is once again not nearly as hot as she should be. She uses her English accent to sound super classy. She wears really big clothes and falls in love with some good looking guy who also has an English accent. Something happens to make this love difficult to sustain. Then, Kiera Knightley undergoes some sort of character development and maturation, where she decides to take her life into her own hands, despite the social forces of the era that try and define her. In the end, tragically, she can't be with the man she loves, but still, she would not have done it any other way.




Cloverfield


A bunch of people in New York City live care-free lives filled with normal little problems like everyone else. Then, a gigantic monster starts plowing through the city and they realize that those problems were relatively small. The monster looks like a retarded turtle/squid and is on the screen for about a total of 9 minutes. Lots of people die. A few of the main characters live. New York City will never be the same. It was all the government's fault.




Meet the Spartans



Judd Apatow meets Woody Allen in this fanciful farce. This clever parody manages to take stinging jabs at modern Hollywood formula without patronizing the audience. Expect to be laughing out loud in the theater at many of the jokes, but laughing to yourself days later as many of the punch lines take time and reflection to hit home.

Where are the Videos?

So, it's superbowl weekend. Where the hell are all the music videos? Where is Eli Manning sporting some shades and rhyming?

"My name is Eli,
my name's not Peyton.
I'm fuckin' all the bitches,
'cause I'm the straight one."

Football players used to care about the fans in the 80's. Just look at that video up there. Those guys cared.

The King of All Bad Words

My six year-old came up to me the other day and told me that he learned the "King of All Bad Words" from friends at school. Mind you, I'd never heard the little bugger say anything worse than "poop" at this point. I was expecting him to say "Shut Up" or "Booger" or something.

Instead, he gathers himself, smiles, and proudly enunciates the word "Fuck."

Now, Deuce has some speech issues, so my first thought was actually, 'Wow, he really pronounced that word well. You could really hear the strong "c" sound at the end.' Then, my next thought was, 'At least he's making friends.' Then, I came to my senses and acted appropriately horrified.

"Deuce!" I said, "We never, ever use that word! Especially around grown-ups. That will get you in big trouble with teachers..."

"....besides, that isn't the "King of All Bad Words. Grown-ups use that one in normal conversation all the time. There is one word that will make any civilized man cringe, instantly cause a woman to stop talking, and children to weep."

And then I played him this old Isiah Thomas video.

Knowing is half the battle.

HEROES

I'm at least a year late getting on board the Heroes bus. But, here I am. For those of you who haven't seen it and are thinking about renting a new television series......(DVD sets really are the best way to watch television).....I highly recommend this show. It's certainly not as well written as Deadwood. It is heavily influenced by Lost - lots of characters with seperate and intertwined story lines, flashbacks and flashforwards, a "previously on Heroes" introduction to get you up to speed, a potential main character getting offed now and again, to name a few. But unlike Lost it actually resolves a question now and then.



HOWEVER, there is a huge, burning, obvious issue I am still waiting for them to address. I'm on the last disk in Season 1, and there hasn't been a hint that the writers have a plan to acknowledge the 800 lb gorrilla in the room. Perhaps it's taken up in Season 2.



For those of you who don't watch the show yet, I don't think I'm giving too much away to tell you it's about people who have different powers. They are the next stage of evolution. There is a terrible Indian actor with an English accent who tells us this every episode. One person might be able to fly, another can make toast with his fingers, another can teleport, etc, etc.



The lovely Hayden Panettiere plays Claire Bennett. A 16 year-old cheerleader. Her special power is the ability to heal. Any injury. Immediately starts healing. ANY injury........

................... sooooo, obviously they have to address the fact that this girl is an eternal virgin, don't they? Isn't that the first thing that just jumps out at you as soon as you are introduced to the concept of this character?

I mean, this girl has a magical hymen! That thing gets busted, and 30 seconds later it's back! Just like that. Whammo! Every time. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing (it's a good thing) but how can the writers have all the characters parading around without talking about this, or thinking about this, or having a flash-forward about this? I'm willing to accept some plot holes, but this is just torture. It's much, much worse than that 4-toed statue on Lost.

Again, this might be addressed in Season 2. It might be the crux of Season 2. If it is, I retract this entire post. But don't tell me, I want to see it for myself.