God Bless Her

I don't know what made Hayden Panettierre suddenly come on the scene and start licking every man, woman, child, and inatimate object she came across, but god bless her. God, bless her.

A lot of people in this world find themselves in positions of power, whether god-given or earned. Some of them are evil. Some of them just find ways to justify why they should remain in power and take steps to stay there, without really contemplating how it affects the lives of those around them. Then, others, such as Hayden Panettierre use their powers for ultimate altruism. By simply extending her tongue, she touches the lives of the rest of us.

I might never get to actually meet Hayden Panettierre in person. But, if I do, there's a pretty good chance that she'll lick me, or something I happen to be holding in my hand, or someone standing next to me. That's why I always carry lollipops in my pockets.

I'm pretty sure Hayden would dig me. I never use oil-based soaps. I hardly ever perspire, and I shave my forearms. This, naturally, leads to an enjoyable, easy-licking experience.

And I really do like Dolphins. For those of you who've been on the moon or something for the past few months, Hayden loves dolphins and whales. She swims with them, and gets in the way of evil fishermen who try and kill them. Dolphins and whales, of course are mammals. Unlike most fish they don't have spines, scales, or a slimey coat. And they are almost entirely hairless. They are without a doubt, some of the most lickable animals Mother Nature has to offer. Anyway, I love dolphins. They are smart and funny, and smile all the time. Have you seen a dolphin face? It's always smiling. If it were up to me, no dolphin would ever die. They'd fill the sea.

I went and looked up Oral Fixation on Wikipedia, because Wikipedia has all the answers. Seriously, if it's not on there, it probably isn't true. ANYONE can post information on Wikipedia. ANYONE. No editing or censorship or anything. If you want the truth, go to Wikipedia.

Wikipedia says that Hayden probably didn't get breast fed enough or something. That she was underfed or neglected, and became orally dependent and obsessed with achieving the oral stimulation of which she was deprived, and that she's learned to lick stuff to fulfill her needs rather than maturing to independence. That's sad. And hot.

I've already established that she's an altruist and not a typically selfish, orally fixated person. That's exactly why I take a lot of painstaking precaution to keep my forearms smooth and dolphin-like in the event that I meet her in person some day.

I hope we all can learn to love the world as much as Hayden Panettierre does.