Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

I've been going to the movies for a long time, and in that time I've seen plenty of previews. I don't need to see the movies anymore to write a good review. I guarantee 100% accuracy.


Atonement



In this period piece, Kiera Knightley is once again not nearly as hot as she should be. She uses her English accent to sound super classy. She wears really big clothes and falls in love with some good looking guy who also has an English accent. Something happens to make this love difficult to sustain. Then, Kiera Knightley undergoes some sort of character development and maturation, where she decides to take her life into her own hands, despite the social forces of the era that try and define her. In the end, tragically, she can't be with the man she loves, but still, she would not have done it any other way.




Cloverfield


A bunch of people in New York City live care-free lives filled with normal little problems like everyone else. Then, a gigantic monster starts plowing through the city and they realize that those problems were relatively small. The monster looks like a retarded turtle/squid and is on the screen for about a total of 9 minutes. Lots of people die. A few of the main characters live. New York City will never be the same. It was all the government's fault.




Meet the Spartans



Judd Apatow meets Woody Allen in this fanciful farce. This clever parody manages to take stinging jabs at modern Hollywood formula without patronizing the audience. Expect to be laughing out loud in the theater at many of the jokes, but laughing to yourself days later as many of the punch lines take time and reflection to hit home.