V Day

Before I went in for a vascetomy, I did a lot of reading on the internet. I love the internet. The internet normally knows everything. To be perfectly honest, though, she kinda let me down on this one. I am compelled to publish the following because of my suspicion that the vascetomy industry has successfully created a misleading vascetomy mythos:

VASCETOMY.....Myth vs. Reality

MYTH: Your vascetomy doctor is a normal guy. He views all parts of the body in a professional manner. He only got into Urology because the money was good or some other benign circumstance.

REALITY: This is your vascetomy doctor, and he loves cocks. He's always been a great appreciator of the cock, and that's great because, frankly, you'd like him to be an afficionado, figuring a guy who really loves cocks is going to be extra careful not to disturb their natural beauty in any way.

And like Charlie Crist he's professional enough to carry on a sham marriage for professional reasons.

MYTH: Before you go in you might want to shave your balls to save the doctor some time. Have your significant other help you, it can be fun.

REALITY: Shaving of the scrotum is not for everyone. It is not easy to do. This is not flat, even skin resting on bone. People are advised against wearing crocs on escalators but I'm supposed to run the triple blade action of the Mach 3 up and down my wrinkly sack? And the proposition of leaving it in the hands of my wife is horrifying. The woman sowed some school patches on the kids school uniform pockets. Now the pockets don't open. I'm sorry, but I'm going to need precision here.

MYTH: Your doctor will ask you to come in for a consultation, sit down with you, make sure you know what you are getting into, and explain the entire process to you.

REALITY: Your doctor has his face on a billboard proclaiming that he has performed 17,000 vascetomies, at least. He tells you to just look at his website, watch the video, and come on in. Questions during the procedure are answered, but always preceded by "Didn't you watch the video?" He loves cocks, not people.

MYTH: It doesn't hurt. Just rest up for a few days, you won't even need stitches. That's how small the puncture wound is. It's over in 15 min. They only prescribe aspirin afterward, and a lot of guys don't even bother to take it.

REALITY: I hate to harp on the nut shaving, but I think it's worthy to note that when you mention to the good doctor that you made a valiant attempt but were ultimately unsuccessful , he'll quip, "Well, I suppose I've shaved a good many more scrotums in my day than you have. Let me get my straight edge."

Then, he'll proceed to go to town....dry....with the straight edge. Which is horrifying. But painless relative to the alcohol application to follow.

When you begin cussing, the doctor will ask you not to scream out and make all the patients in the lobby nervous, because that would "ruin his day."

The application of the anesthesia is not a big deal. It is done without a needle. Once the procedure begins you can't really feel anything at first, then you feel a sort of pressure. A kind of a pulling sensation. The doctor will invite you to watch. To lean up on your elbows because "some guys get a kick out of it." You will decline. You will not want to see this:

Yep. He pulls each of the cords out and cauterizes them. That is the burning smell that catches your nose. For the next few days you will feel like a donkey kicked you in the nuts. You will keep your junk securely in a jock strap. Sleeping will be a bit difficult. Basically, if you don't move you are ok. And by the way, the reason that he's standing at attention there, is because the good doctor has bunched up the shirt on your chest, and tied a rubberband between your shirt and the tip of your cock.

And now, you will be properly vacetomized. Feel free to cum all over everything.