The Fourth Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

Fiona Apple.

Keep in mind this is over 3 years old. She knew how funny this guy was before you did.

She is so funny and ironic. Her videos, her lyrics. The restraining orders she's taken out against me. She really "gets' it, you know?

Rap was good once

I would like to be able to travel back in time so that I could alter the course of rap evolution, so that it would bear the remnants of De La Soul and the Pharcyde today, instead of NWA and Tupak. Which is what this guns and bling crap is.

I have no idea how I would do this, by the way. But, I'm sure if I just sat down and had a nice chat with the rap community they would listen to me.

The 5th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

Felicia Day.

Go check out "The Guild" on the interenet. Start with Season 1.

1. She plays (or has played) WoW in real life, obsessively.
2. She's hilarious, in a female Michael Cera sort of way.
3. She was on Buffy.
4. She's a Longhorn.
5. She plays Alliance.

I'm usually a year or two behind on this stuff, but The Guild is really fantastic. It's everything the internet is supposed to be.

When I get David Price for under $10.....

.....I'm doing this.

Class Disparity, Inner City Violence

In Honor of the Upcoming GI JOE Movie

I have very high hopes for the upcoming GI JOE movie. I love GI JOE. My kids aren't allowed to touch it, or know it exists, because my wife says it is a thinly veiled attempt to indoctrinate children into joining the military some day. And being in the military tends to get you killed or maimed. Which we don't want for our kids.

But, you know what. It's pure awesomeness anyway. I fucking love GI JOE. It was a stroke of genius to make them on the same scale as the Star Wars guys. They could play together. I mean, what would Han Solo the space mechanic have been without Clutch the army mechanic at his side throughout the eighties?

And they made awesome pretend basketball players. I think I'll post on that later.

On another note...why is Doc waiting at the bathroom window of these kids' house? What the hell is he doing there?

Ranking the Catchers

My name is Colton P. Jennings. I am not just a "fantasy baseball publicist," and I certainly am not a propagandist. That's like saying, "Faith Hill is kinda pretty," or "Colt Seavers is a good stunt man," or "Burt Reynold's is a good driver." I ---- am an architect of information.

The owner of this here blog, a man who goes by the name of Mr. Ortho, my esteemed employer, insists on ranking his fantasy baseball players for all the world to lay eyes on.

Now, Mr. Ortho doesn't pay me what he pays me to have me to hang Jews from a telephone pole, and I advised him that such a course is unwise. He did it last year, and that ill advised disclosure, along with his limited access to the Internet during the working hours cost him the fantasy baseball championship. No one is really arguing that.

"Mr. Ortho," I said, "If it's 1945, and you have yourself the atom bomb, you don't calling the Nips on the telephone and telling them that E = mc squared and whatnot." And besides those ingrate owners ain't gonna thank you. Hell, they'd complain if Jesus Christ came down and handed them each a $5 bill.

But, Mr. Ortho, he's what you call one of them philanthropists, and he insists on sharing. He tells me it's part of the game, and orders me to run his list of dollar values here on this website. And well, he's the boss, and I'm gonna list his catchers right here, even if I think this is dumber idea than putting teats on a rain barrel.

The CATCHERS




Washed up


13. AJ Pierzynski $1

He's a wrestler for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. I'm not making that up. If you have him on your team, know that you have the biggest cocksucker in the history of baseball on your team. Last year in an important game against the Rays he made a bone-headed base running mistake, then threw an elbow at Willy Aybar, making it look like Aybar had obstructed him. He got away with it, and secured his seat in hell next to Ty Cobb.


12. Jorge Posada $1

He's 37, and he didn't play at all last year. Don't fall into the typical trap of looking at his stats from before he got hurt, and figure he'll come back and match those numbers. He's through.



11. Victor Martinez $4

266 at bats. .702 OPS. He's done.



10. Benji Molina $4

He's very old. And he plays in a pitcher's park. Pay for him if you want, but you will be disappointed.


Too Early


9. Matt Weiters $5

He's not ready. Don't fall for it. Although he sure is handsome.







8. Kelly Shoppach $5

He had some nice power in limited at bats. But he won't play every day, and he's not going to get you great numbers this year. The 21 home runs were a mirage.


7. Chri Iannetta $5

Coors Field isn't the schmorgasborge of home runs it used to be. Not without the steroids. Don't be the one to overpay for the catcher just because he's a Rocky.


6. Ryan Doumit $5

Boring.


Overrated

5. Joe Mauer $12

He's a slappy. You know it's true.


4. Brian McCann $13

He isn't really as good as he was last year. Look for him to come crashing back to earth.


Super Star Sleeper


3. Gerald Laird $20

You will regret it if you are not the one who pays for this guy. He had an overwhelming Eye at 3.22 and his PPCILomp was 7.44! Don't overlook that. This is a superstar in the making.


Cream of the Crop


2. Russell Martin $24

If you don't like him, then you don't like young durable catchers who steal bases. And you probably don't like sweet potatoes and peeking at your big sister's breasts.


1. Geovany Soto $26

Maybe he spells his name wrong, but he was 13th in the MVP race, and he's 25. Tremendous OPS for a catcher. He's the best Cub catcher since Gabby Hartnett.

Lily Allen is the greatest - So am I

Check this out. She'll let you feel her third nipple. She has a Homer Simpson tatoo. I rest my case.



IN OTHER NEWS

Bad news for the boys at Indiana. They have agreed to an auction format for fantasy baseball this year. They are not going to know what hit them. They think that because they are all lawyers that they can just study like they did in law school. Well, this isn't law school. This is fantasy baseball. Being high is an ADVANTAGE in an auction format.

I'm not going to make the same mistake I did last year and post my predictions. I'm pretty sure that's what did me in. Also, this summer I'm moving and changing jobs. I don't know what job it's going to be, but I can assure you my first question in the interview process will be about computer access and firewalls in the office. Hopefully, they will invent some sort of hand-held device that can access the internet by then. That would be sweet. And I would so all over that, cause I'm totally up on the technology thing.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

I know who I'm rooting for in the 2012 Olympics.

Vote For John McCain

La Pequeña Hillary Hulk

I really, really like La Pequena. I'm afraid he might just be a little ahead of his time.

This is Brilliant.

I'm usually about a year behind in things like this, but apparently, this 17 year old kid makes these songs in his bedroom.

I highly recommend you check out all of his stuff on youtube.

http://www.boston.com/ae/theater_arts/articles/2008/02/13/nonfamily_humor_straight_from_home/

Greatest Ending to Fight in History of Televison

- I'm Sarah Palin, and I approve this message.

Sarah Palin and the Rape Kits

Freestlye Rap Battle: Translated

Greatest Comedy Team Ever?

"Clean comedy corporate entertainers" Brinnon and Marks.

I dare you to stop watching this.

Great Stuff

If you don't like this....you and I had very different childhoods.

Nothing cooler has ever been done with action figures by anyone. Except me. When I pretended my GIJoe and Star Wars guys were NBA players, and created a league, played games with a makeshift basketball hoop out of a milk cap, taped down a court with masking tape, and tossed up the marble between Destro and Chewbacca at center court.

Nothing cooler.

V Day

Before I went in for a vascetomy, I did a lot of reading on the internet. I love the internet. The internet normally knows everything. To be perfectly honest, though, she kinda let me down on this one. I am compelled to publish the following because of my suspicion that the vascetomy industry has successfully created a misleading vascetomy mythos:

VASCETOMY.....Myth vs. Reality

MYTH: Your vascetomy doctor is a normal guy. He views all parts of the body in a professional manner. He only got into Urology because the money was good or some other benign circumstance.

REALITY: This is your vascetomy doctor, and he loves cocks. He's always been a great appreciator of the cock, and that's great because, frankly, you'd like him to be an afficionado, figuring a guy who really loves cocks is going to be extra careful not to disturb their natural beauty in any way.

And like Charlie Crist he's professional enough to carry on a sham marriage for professional reasons.

MYTH: Before you go in you might want to shave your balls to save the doctor some time. Have your significant other help you, it can be fun.

REALITY: Shaving of the scrotum is not for everyone. It is not easy to do. This is not flat, even skin resting on bone. People are advised against wearing crocs on escalators but I'm supposed to run the triple blade action of the Mach 3 up and down my wrinkly sack? And the proposition of leaving it in the hands of my wife is horrifying. The woman sowed some school patches on the kids school uniform pockets. Now the pockets don't open. I'm sorry, but I'm going to need precision here.

MYTH: Your doctor will ask you to come in for a consultation, sit down with you, make sure you know what you are getting into, and explain the entire process to you.

REALITY: Your doctor has his face on a billboard proclaiming that he has performed 17,000 vascetomies, at least. He tells you to just look at his website, watch the video, and come on in. Questions during the procedure are answered, but always preceded by "Didn't you watch the video?" He loves cocks, not people.

MYTH: It doesn't hurt. Just rest up for a few days, you won't even need stitches. That's how small the puncture wound is. It's over in 15 min. They only prescribe aspirin afterward, and a lot of guys don't even bother to take it.

REALITY: I hate to harp on the nut shaving, but I think it's worthy to note that when you mention to the good doctor that you made a valiant attempt but were ultimately unsuccessful , he'll quip, "Well, I suppose I've shaved a good many more scrotums in my day than you have. Let me get my straight edge."

Then, he'll proceed to go to town....dry....with the straight edge. Which is horrifying. But painless relative to the alcohol application to follow.

When you begin cussing, the doctor will ask you not to scream out and make all the patients in the lobby nervous, because that would "ruin his day."

The application of the anesthesia is not a big deal. It is done without a needle. Once the procedure begins you can't really feel anything at first, then you feel a sort of pressure. A kind of a pulling sensation. The doctor will invite you to watch. To lean up on your elbows because "some guys get a kick out of it." You will decline. You will not want to see this:

Yep. He pulls each of the cords out and cauterizes them. That is the burning smell that catches your nose. For the next few days you will feel like a donkey kicked you in the nuts. You will keep your junk securely in a jock strap. Sleeping will be a bit difficult. Basically, if you don't move you are ok. And by the way, the reason that he's standing at attention there, is because the good doctor has bunched up the shirt on your chest, and tied a rubberband between your shirt and the tip of your cock.

And now, you will be properly vacetomized. Feel free to cum all over everything.

It's been about a month....

I know, I know. I've been really busy. I will return shortly.

I can't help myself

The 6th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I don't think that Scarlett Johansson has ever done anything that I liked. Lost in Translation was ok, I guess....but I don' t think it was necessarily because of anything that she did, or that Jennifer Love Hewitt couldn't have done in her heyday.

She thinks that she's email buddies with Barack Obama, and gets all giddy when she opens up her email and reads the "personal response" penned by one of Barack's staffers who can't wait to tell his friends how he emailed Scarlett Johansson.

She thinks that she can sing. And she can't sing. She really can't sing. She really, really can't sing. But, that's not necessarily a fatal flaw to the list. (see Hayden Panetierre)

Anyway, there's just something about ScoJo that I like. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Some girls are on this list despite the fact that they aren't the most physically attractive females in the world. They have intangibles. (they are ninjas, great cooks, etc.) I don't find anything intangible about Scarlett. She is completely tangible.