Ranking the Catchers

My name is Colton P. Jennings. I am not just a "fantasy baseball publicist," and I certainly am not a propagandist. That's like saying, "Faith Hill is kinda pretty," or "Colt Seavers is a good stunt man," or "Burt Reynold's is a good driver." I ---- am an architect of information.

The owner of this here blog, a man who goes by the name of Mr. Ortho, my esteemed employer, insists on ranking his fantasy baseball players for all the world to lay eyes on.

Now, Mr. Ortho doesn't pay me what he pays me to have me to hang Jews from a telephone pole, and I advised him that such a course is unwise. He did it last year, and that ill advised disclosure, along with his limited access to the Internet during the working hours cost him the fantasy baseball championship. No one is really arguing that.

"Mr. Ortho," I said, "If it's 1945, and you have yourself the atom bomb, you don't calling the Nips on the telephone and telling them that E = mc squared and whatnot." And besides those ingrate owners ain't gonna thank you. Hell, they'd complain if Jesus Christ came down and handed them each a $5 bill.

But, Mr. Ortho, he's what you call one of them philanthropists, and he insists on sharing. He tells me it's part of the game, and orders me to run his list of dollar values here on this website. And well, he's the boss, and I'm gonna list his catchers right here, even if I think this is dumber idea than putting teats on a rain barrel.

The CATCHERS




Washed up


13. AJ Pierzynski $1

He's a wrestler for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. I'm not making that up. If you have him on your team, know that you have the biggest cocksucker in the history of baseball on your team. Last year in an important game against the Rays he made a bone-headed base running mistake, then threw an elbow at Willy Aybar, making it look like Aybar had obstructed him. He got away with it, and secured his seat in hell next to Ty Cobb.


12. Jorge Posada $1

He's 37, and he didn't play at all last year. Don't fall into the typical trap of looking at his stats from before he got hurt, and figure he'll come back and match those numbers. He's through.



11. Victor Martinez $4

266 at bats. .702 OPS. He's done.



10. Benji Molina $4

He's very old. And he plays in a pitcher's park. Pay for him if you want, but you will be disappointed.


Too Early


9. Matt Weiters $5

He's not ready. Don't fall for it. Although he sure is handsome.







8. Kelly Shoppach $5

He had some nice power in limited at bats. But he won't play every day, and he's not going to get you great numbers this year. The 21 home runs were a mirage.


7. Chri Iannetta $5

Coors Field isn't the schmorgasborge of home runs it used to be. Not without the steroids. Don't be the one to overpay for the catcher just because he's a Rocky.


6. Ryan Doumit $5

Boring.


Overrated

5. Joe Mauer $12

He's a slappy. You know it's true.


4. Brian McCann $13

He isn't really as good as he was last year. Look for him to come crashing back to earth.


Super Star Sleeper


3. Gerald Laird $20

You will regret it if you are not the one who pays for this guy. He had an overwhelming Eye at 3.22 and his PPCILomp was 7.44! Don't overlook that. This is a superstar in the making.


Cream of the Crop


2. Russell Martin $24

If you don't like him, then you don't like young durable catchers who steal bases. And you probably don't like sweet potatoes and peeking at your big sister's breasts.


1. Geovany Soto $26

Maybe he spells his name wrong, but he was 13th in the MVP race, and he's 25. Tremendous OPS for a catcher. He's the best Cub catcher since Gabby Hartnett.