My Favorite Teenagers in the World

"I mean who doesn't like...who doesn't like money"

"Like, I know it was a crime, but it was an easy crime."

"Like, I don't feel sadness for that little girl. I mean, she's getting a lot of money right now (pointing) from people who feel bad for her, so...whatever."

These girls are hilarious. If I didn't hate reality tv so much, I would say that they need a reality tv show, immediately. Before they end up on the pole.

Honestly, I don't know why girl scouts evoke such sympathy. I'm pretty sure those cookies are bad for us. Laced with high-fructose corn syrup. Contributing to the rampant obesity in American society. These bony teenagers were doing us all a favor.

Everyone Loves the Underdog

Christina Aguilera was in a lot of singing competitions when she was young, and according to Wikipedia:

"...whenever competitors learned they would be up against her in any given week, they would immediately withdraw, prompting insiders to claim it was "like sending a lamb to the slaughter." Her peers soon became jealous of her and would frequently subject her to ridicule, ostracism, and, in one gym class, attempted assault. Acts of vandalism around her house included the slashing of the tires on the family car. Eventually, the family relocated to another suburb in the Pittsburgh area and took to secrecy about Aguilera's talent lest another backlash occur." (citing VH1)

When you have wikipedia citing VH1, you know it's true.

Wow. She was such a bad-ass child singer, it caused the residents of her town to beat her up in the bathroom and slash the tires of her car. Her family hid her in secrecy. That seems like a bit of an overeaction. Anyway, it shows that they probably weren't white trash. If someone beat up Britney and slashed the tires of the Spears' family El Camino, they wouldn't move out of town. They'd call it a pretty good month.

So, Christina catches a big break and lands the Mickey Mouse Club on the Disney Channel. On the show were Keri Russell, Justin Timberlake, and Britney. Christina was the talented thirteen year old who sang like a banshee. Britney was the one who was always chewing gum, stirring Kool-aid with her forearm, and having thirteen-year old sex with Justin Timberlake, who had yet to be molested by his creepy homosexual manager.

Show is canceled, years go by, Christina spends her time singing national anthems and performing backup vocals. Then, suddenly there is Britney acting like a slutty little girl wanting to be spanked, and she's a superstar. Christina, naturally runs out and makes a song about asking people to rub her teenage clit, so she can orgasm and naturally she's instantly a star, too.

Always a step behind Britney, though. That white-trash, no talent, brainless cunt who used to fuck that curly haired gay kid back at the Disney channel. They both kiss Madonna, but only Britney is represented as a slutty lesbian. They don't even show Christina acting like a slutty lesbian

What Christina does next, is why I love her and why the

7th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

is

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

She reflects on what started it all for Britney. Britney implied that she wanted a spanking and that she wanted us all to spank her. That pretty much did it. So, if Britney was going to need a little school-girl spanking, then by god, Christina was not only going to need a little school-girl spanking.....

....she was going to need a bare-assed, bare-handed spanking.

And she's gonna be all dirty,

and she's gonna be all clean,

but she's still gonna need that spanking.

That's why I love her. She's willing to do anything to make us like her. That is ALWAYS a good quality in a woman.

Ziyi Zhang or Zhang Ziyi

Her name is either one of those, I'm not sure, but she is the.....

8th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

ZHANG ZIYI

She pretends to know kung-fu better than anyone I know, she learned english by listening to Eminem, and she's Chinese. She's kind of like Lucy Liu, but smaller and cuter and without the crooked eyes.

Here she is in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Here she is selling milk.

Here she is swinging on a rope.

I don't understand directors these days that make movies without Zhang Ziyi in them. It happens all the time, the theaters are chock full of them. I go to the movies, watch the whole damn thing, there are like literally hundreds of people in them, and not one of them is Zhang Ziyi. You can't find room for a little Chinese girl in the movie? No one needs a massage, or their nails done, or a ninja turtle killed? In the whole movie? Come on.

Upon Further Review....

I am pulling Mélissa Theuriau from the #8 spot and reserving the right to place her further up (down?) in the list. Clearly, she was placed too low (high?), and I would like to apologize to her, her family, and the french media.

Here is the Third Nipple.

Lily Allen hosts a talk show in England, it's kind of like a quiz show/comedy show. But, I don't really know because I don't get the BBC on my cable package. Anyway, watch this to see her third nipple.

8th Hottest Celebrity Female in the World

Mélissa Theuriau

I like to put this on in my office, and just listen to it while I work.

I know I'm going to be called unpatriotic, but I wish France had won World War II so we'd all have to speak this language. It's better than English. Let's just face it.