My Weekend

I spent the weekend in Disneyworld with my wife and kids. My wife had a bad back, and couldn't walk around, so I had to push her around in a complimentary Disneyworld wheelchair. Her back has been hurting her so bad that she's been supressing a cough. This has caused her to lose her voice. So, she can't walk, can't move, and can't talk. It was basically like going to Disneyworld with your kids and Terry Schaivo. If Terry Schaivo were conscious and could rasp her complaints at you.

How could you not see that rock? Don't you know I'm in pain?

Feed the children, their eyes are losing moisture.

Don't you see that man molesting our son? Stop him.

blah, blah, blah

What a freaking drag. I've got it woman! I am an important, powerful man. I can find the freaking Teacups on my own.

Well, it's been a while, and I understand that some of you are getting impatient. I promise I'll start writing more. I understand that your comments have been misplaced encouragement. You are angry. I get that. Believe me, it is appreciated and I feel the love. So, without further adieu:

The 9th Hottest Female Celebrity In The World

LILLY ALLEN

Ok, so maybe she's not the 9th "hottest" woman in the world, by objective "tits and ass" standards, but she's cool as shit, and she has a third nipple.

English accents are bad ass. I don't care what anyone says. One of her videos is about her pot-smoking little brother who masturbates all day, and is a puppet. How can you beat that?

She hates the band Jet, and has hurled heavy objects at them. Apparently, she was so drunk that she doesn't remember it. But, she's still not the least bit sorry, because they suck. That scores her points. I hope Miley Cyrus is taking notes.

Lilly started her career on the internet by posting demos on her MySpace page. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, MySpace is a site where teenagers go to challenge each other to taped fights.

Lilly enjoys fluctuating between a size 12 and size 8. She looks good either way, and regardless of her weight always enjoys the advantage of having 50% more nipples than other women of similar size.

Hayden Scares Child

I love Hayden Panettiere. Look at that poor kid. He thought he was getting eaten.

This link is worth watching.

Don't Ever Give Up Hope

There's someone out there for you.








Nicole

Release date: August of 2010







I have a lot of friends who haven't met the right someone yet. Usually it is because they don't have the time to go out and meet someone or they set their standards too high, or subconsciously they don't think they are good enough for the people that they are attracted to.


I have found the perfect solution, my friends. Women Behind Bars.com










Dawn

Release date: December 2009








Think about it. Desperate for attention. Captive audience. Isn't going anywhere. Isn't going to be cheating on you. They probably have conjugal visit privileges. And you know the release date, so you can prepare to vanish if necessary. Honestly, I don't see the downside here.


There are some really interesting girls on there. Like, here. Your search is over!!


You are telling me that you are 100% sure that you can do better than Shandah? 26, only one kid. Wants someone honest, because she can only be as real as you let her be.



Vernice is open to becoming bisexual, boys! Get in line.
















Renee


Release date: Unknown

Apologies

I think it's going to be a safe assumption that when I don't post for several weeks, that I'm going through a rough patch. You should worry about me and call to see if I'm ok. Thanks for calling. You worthless motherfuckers.

I'm watching the Cavs/Bulls game right now. Reggie Miller has just forced himself to sound excited while going into commercial. I think LeBron James wears his headband so that he can get an automatic foul every time it falls off.

I don't like LeBron. He pounds his hands together and dusts everyone with powder before tip-off. Just like Garnett. That's so god-damned unoriginal and lame. I think that LeBron's commercials invoke the Arsenio/Whoopi/Magic Johnson school of comedy from the 90's. I wish he passed like Magic Johnson, instead of performing comedy like magic johnson.

Look at the intro to that show! My favorite part, other then when he sticks his melon in for the first time, is when he is fake drumming with Sheila E. I can't believe they invited Howard Stern as a guest. This was back when Howard Stern was funny, and he was killing Magic every single day. It got to the point where the ratings of "The Magic Hour" were so bad that they desperately needed a show that would get big ratings. Like taking the defibrillators to the heart. And Magic was so very bad. They producers were probably throwing up their hands and saying "what the hell, what do we have to lose. I can't believe we gave Magic this show. Fuck him. Book Stern." CLEAR!!

And Stern comes on, takes up a music slot, plays the keyboard, and has people farting on the air like it was a radio bit. He tells Magic that he should just talk in Ebonics, and gets him to admit he has a speech coach. Tells Sheila E. to dress sluttier, rip off her top, and calls her a Mulatto. These producers really hated Magic. In part 4 they bring out the second guest, with Howard Stern still sitting on the couch, and it's the Playboy Playmate of the year. That's who they expect Magic to interview with Howard sitting right there. And Magic actually tries to give a serious interview. It get's so bad, they give Sheila a 6 minute solo to end the show.



The landlord called to tell me that the Barak Obama sign in my lawn violates some sort of neighborhood policy, and that I have 30 days to take it down. Oh yeah? Really? You know what I did? I quietly removed it. I have officially given up all pretense of sticking it to the man.