I'll be back in a Week

I'm going to be on vacation for a week. I got an absolute STEAL on Priceline for 6 days and 5 nights at a Serbian hotel. I'm not sure where Serbia is, exactly, but I think it's near France. And France is fun, right? Anyway, I'll be writing a full review of the Kosovo Arms Hotel upon my return. I hear it has a great play area for the kids.

I don't condone illegal drugs. (yes I do) I don't condone Star Trek. I don't condone Starship. But Jefferson Airplane + Drugs + Star Trek = awesome.

I'm currently drafting a post on my 10 favorite female celebrities. It's pretty much central to everything this blog is all about, so I'm not rushing this one. I've used countless pots of coffee, internet searches, and conducted polls using random names in the phone book. My readers will not be cheated on this one.

Also, for the fantasy baseball fans, Rounds 10-12 are imminent.

I Hate My Kids' Cartoons These Days

The shows they have on television these days are absolute crap. Not only do they fail in promoting positive values, but they actually encourage poor behavior.

Did you know that Spongebob's only education is Boating School? He flips hamburgers for a living. He failed boating school, and he works in the underwater equivalent of McDonald's. And he lives alone. Has no wife or girlfriend whatsoever. This is the example that my kids are subjected to every day after school?

I wish they could watch the cartoons I did when I was growing up. When we listened to our parents. Before video games were so prevalent. When we used to go out and excercise once in a while. When there were good, old-fashioned, healthy cartoons like the Flintstones, whose characters maintained solid family relationships and worked hard for a living.

Rounds 7-9

Round 7

73. Justin Morneau 1b, Minnesota Twins

74. Derek Lee 1b, Chicago Cubs

75. Carlos Guillen SS/1b, Detriot Tigers

76. Andruw Jones OF, Los Angeles Dodgers

77. Brad Penny SP, Los Angeles Dodgers

78. Eric Byrnes OF, Arizona Diamondbacks

79. Javier Vazquez SP, Chicago White Sox

80. Troy Tulowitzki SS, Colorado Rockies

81. Paul Konerko 1b, Chicago White Sox

82. Mark Young SS, Texas Rangers

83. Matthew Cain SP, San Francisco Giants

84. Scott Kazmir SP, Tampa Bay Rays

I love this round. There is a lot of talent in Round 7. Looking at it now, I think the first closer run should happen in Round 7 instead of Round 6. But, it probably won't. Plan accordingly.

Round 8

85. Hideki Matsui OF, New York Yankees

86. Jeffrey Francoeur OF, Atlanta Braves

87. Fausto Carmona SP, Cleveland Indians

88. Daisuke Matsuzaka SP, Boston Red Sox

89. Robert Jenks RP, Chicago White Sox

90. Carlos Zambrano SP, Chicago Cubs

91. Aaron Rowand OF, San Francisco Giants

92. Torii Hunter OF, Minnesota Twins

93. Jason Bay OF, Pittsburgh Pirates

94. Adrian Beltre 3b, Seattle Mariners

95. Richard Hill SP, Chicago Cubs

96. Chad Cordero RP, Washington Nationals

I like this round, also. Everyone is going to be drafting a player that's going to play for them every day, the entire year in Round 8, so pick carefully. These next few rounds are really where you make or break your team. A lot depends on whether you choose to fill positions or pick the best talent available. I think you are still picking the best talent available at this point.

Round 9

97. Matthew Capps RP, Pittsburgh Pirates

98. Johnny Damon OF, New York Yankees

99. Christopher Young OF, Arizona Diamondbacks

100. Delmon Young OF, Minnesota Twins

101. Jason Isringhausen RP, St. Louis Cardinals

102. Manuel Corpas RP, Colorado Rockies

103. Jose Valverde RP, Arizona Diamondbacks

104. Kevin Gregg RP, Florida Marlins

105. Joakim Soria RP, Kansas City Royals

106. Adrian Gonzalez 1b, San Diego Padres

107. Bradley Hawpe OF, Colorado Rockies

108. Jermaine Dye OF, Chicago White Sox

Closer Run 2.0 happens in Round 9, where teams realize that they can get an edge in saves if they pick a second closer with a job coming out of spring training, and teams without a closer need to get their first. If you notice though, the teams that resist this second closer run get solid OF's.

Clarification.

It's been brought to my attention that a lot of theblogmywifedoesntknowabout readers did not get the frame of reference for the last post. So, to clarify, the McCain video was a response to the video above. The reference to the speeches made by McCain and Obama, were references to the speeches made after it was determined that they each swept the primaries in Virginia, DC, and Maryland. We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout forgot that everyone reading this blog doesn't watch the exact same things that we at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout watch on television every night.

Also, I would like to make it clear that we at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout do not endorse any particular candidate. We are withholding endorsement at this time, so that we can, without bias, speak out against the push to seat the delegates from Florida and Michigan.

It is our belief at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout, that it is a civil rights violation to seat those delegates when the many good people of the forementioned states who did not vote, did not vote because they did not think their votes would have counted. This is prejudice against this specific group of non-voters.

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout liken the movement to seat the delegates of the states of Florida and Michigan, to a Fantasy Baseball comissioner adding OPS to the categories scored in the middle of the season because they have Arod, Fielder, and Vlad, but sucky pitching. And trying to justify it because OPS "is really the barometer that you measure a hitter by."

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout would quit that league.

We at theblogmywifedoesntknowabout would hate to have to write this blog from the Netherlands.

A Small Suggestion

Who the hell is in charge of the John McCain campaign, and why the hell didn't he/she wheel that old man out to give his speech BEFORE Barak Obama, tonight?

Obama was surrounded by 18,000 people, spoke like...well, Barak Obama. John McCain then, surrounded by the five people in Virginia older than himself, went on to counter Barak Obama's theme of hope. With his theme....against hope? I'm not sure I would run with that one, if I were him.

But, hey, I'm not a professional politician. Maybe it will work for him.

Rounds 4-6

As promised here are rounds 4-6:

Round 4

37. Juan Pierre OF, Los Angeles Dodgers

38. Desmond DeChone Figgins 3b, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

39. Garrett Atkins 1b/3b, Colorado Rockies

40. Aramis Ramirez 3b, Chicago Cubs

41. John Lackey SP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

42. Joseph Jason Putz RP, Seattle Mariners

43. Roy Oswalt SP, Houston Astros

44. Manuel Aristides (Onelcida) Ramirez OF, Boston Red Sox

45. Erik Bedard SP, Seattle Mariners

46. John Smoltz SP, Atlanta Braves

47. Jonathan Papelbon RP, Boston Red Sox

48. Harry Leroy Halladay SP, Toronto Blue Jays

This is where Juan Pierre makes his appearance. Say what you will, but he's a guaranteed 50 steals. Not a lot of quality power here, so the first tier of relievers pop up, and teams start drafting their aces.

Round 5

49. Daniel Haren SP, Arizona Diamondbacks

50. Derek Jeter SS, New York Yankees

51. Victor Martinez C, Cleveland Indians

52. Colbert Hamels SP, Philadelphia Phillies

53. Adam Dunn OF, Cincinnati Reds

54. Jason Hart OF, Milwaukee Brewers

55. Carlos Pena 1b, Tampa Bay Rays

56. Aaron Harang SP, Cincinnati Reds

57. Jason Verlander SP, Detroit Tigers

58. Bobby Abreu OF, New York Yankees

59. Francisco Rodriguez RP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

60. Kelvim Escobar SP, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Still lots of good players here in Round 5. Someone is going to have to take Abreu here. We all know he's finished, but someone is going to be looking at him in Round 5, and they are going to feel obligated to take him. It won't be me.

Round 6

61. Tim Hudson SP, Atlanta Braves

62. Robinson Cano 2b, New York Yankees

63. Francisco Cordero RP, Milwaukee Brewers

64. Hunter Pence OF, Houston Astros

65. Vernon Wells OF, Toronto Blue Jays

66. Travis Hafner DH, Cleveland Indians

67. Takashi Sammy Saito RP, Los Angeles Dodgers

68. William Wagner RP, New York Metropolitans

69. Mariano Rivera RP, New York Yankees

70. Huston Street RP, Oakland Athletics

71. Chien-Ming Wang SP, New York Yankees

72. Miguel Tejada SS, Houston Astros

You are asking, "Isn't that a little early for Wang?" Yes, it is. Yes, it is. This round is where the closer-run happens, where an owner looks at his cheat sheet, doesn't know who the hell to pick, so he picks a closer. Then another follows suit. And then everyone else starts to realize that Matt Capps might be their #1 closer if they don't act soon. Miguel Tejada might weigh 170 lbs. by the time he's done detoxing.

Fantasy Baseball Time

Pitchers and catchers are reporting soon. If you aren't on your 3rd complete mock draft by now, it's pretty much over.

Listen, fantasy football is for boys. Boys and women. Women win in fantasy football. No woman has ever won a respectable fantasy baseball league. Fantasy baseball....where you must update your lineup daily, carefully study statistics and trends, and know who's third in line to close for the Pirates....is for men.

I am going to post my mock for rounds 1-3 here today, in a 12 team, AL/NL 5x5 rotisserie league. If you don't know what that means, good luck finding a girlfriend.

Why would I do this you ask, when members of my rotisserie league might be checking this site? Because, I'm that confident. That's why.

Round 1

1. Alexander Rodriguez 3b, New York Yankees

2. David Wright 3b, New York Metropolitans

3. Alberto Pujols 1b, Saint Louis Cardinals

4. Jose Reyes SS, New York Metropolitans

5. Hanley Ramirez SS, Florida Marlins

6. Miguel Cabrera 3b, Detroit Tigers

7. Mathew Holliday OF, Colorado Rockies

8. Chase Utley 2b, Philadelphia Phillies

9. James Rollins SS, Philadelphia Phillies

10. Johan Santana SP, New York Metropolitans

11. Prince Semien Fielder 1b, Milwaukee Brewers

12. Ryan Howard 1b, Philadelphia Phillies

There sure are a lot of Phillies and Mets in the first round this year. I am picking 9th in my league, and am seriously considering Johan Santana. But, the power/speed combo of Jimmy Rollins at the Short Stop position is too much to pass up. Jake Peavy will be there as my ace in round two. I pretty much have to decide, at 9, if I want Johan + Beltran, or Rollins + Peavy. For now, I'm thinking Rollins + Peavy because of the fact there are so many more OF's out there than SS, and Peavy isn't that far of a cry from Johan. And then there's the school of thought that I go Johan + Peavy, then hit offense heavily in the next few rounds. My previous mock drafts have not shown that to be wise, so for now, I'm not planning on going that route. Here's Round 2, remember it snakes back up. If you don't know what that means, you probably cross-stitch.

Round 2

13. Carl Crawford OF, Tampa Bay Rays

14. Grady Sizemore OF, Cleveland Indians

15. Alfonso Soriano OF, Chicago Cubs

16. Jacob Peavy SP, San Diego Padres

17. Carlos Beltran, OF, New York Metropolitans

18. Vladimir Guerrero OF, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

19. Mark Teixeira 1b, Atlanta Braves

20. Suzuki Ichiro OF, Seattle Mariners

21. Ryan Braun 3b, Milwaukee Brewers

22. Carlos Lee OF, Houston Astros

23. Lance Berkman OF/1b, Houston Astros

24. Brandon Phillips 2b, Cincinnati Reds

I know what you are saying. Where is Big Papi? Well, Big Papi isn't getting any younger. And he's only a DH. That's one slot he can be utilized in. He handcuffs your options. There are just better options out there. Guys who aren't getting older, have better position eligibility, and steal bases. I know the second thing you are saying. Where is Juan Pierre? Well, many of you might not realize this, but he hurts you in home runs. Quite a bit. He's sort of like Ichiro, if Ichiro didn't hit .350. Oh and by the way, batting average is overrated. It should be scrapped for OPS. And Wins should be scrapped for Quality Starts.

Round 3

25. Nicholas Markasis OF, Baltimore Orioles

26. Curtis Granderson OF, Detroit Tigers

27. Magglio Ordonez OF, Detroit Tigers

28. Melvin Emmanuel Bossman Junior Upton, OF/2b, Tampa Bay Rays (for now)

29. Brandon Webb SP, Arizona Diamondbacks

30. David Ortiz DH, Boston Red Sox

31. Russell Martin C, Los Angeles Dodgers

32. Alexis Rios OF, Toronto Blue Jays

33. Brian Roberts 2b, Baltimore Orioles

34. Carsten Charles Sabathia SP, Cleveland Indians

35. Joshua Beckett SP, Boston Red Sox

36. Joseph Nathan RP, Minnesota Twins

Some other stats I'd like to see: Command, Expected ERA, Eye, and fly ball-to-ground ball ratio. But, I'm having a lot of trouble drumming up support for those categories. I guess people still prefer playing fantasy baseball like their sisters.

I am Going to Buy a Piano

I'm going to get a piano for my kids. There are several reasons why I have to do this.

1. Children who received piano lessons scored 34% higher than their nonmusical counterparts in tests measuring spatial-temporal reasoning, which is the brain function used to understand math, science and engineering.

2. Piano lessons also help kids to learn how to keep a positive outlook when facing difficult tasks.

3. Kids who play the piano have improved fine motor skills.

4. Reading music takes a great deal of focus, causing a child to interpret a note and a rhythm, translate it into hand movements on the keyboard and then immediately go on to the next one, increasing their ability to focus.

5. It enables kids to write beautiful songs for their mother, like the one above.

God Bless Her

I don't know what made Hayden Panettierre suddenly come on the scene and start licking every man, woman, child, and inatimate object she came across, but god bless her. God, bless her.

A lot of people in this world find themselves in positions of power, whether god-given or earned. Some of them are evil. Some of them just find ways to justify why they should remain in power and take steps to stay there, without really contemplating how it affects the lives of those around them. Then, others, such as Hayden Panettierre use their powers for ultimate altruism. By simply extending her tongue, she touches the lives of the rest of us.

I might never get to actually meet Hayden Panettierre in person. But, if I do, there's a pretty good chance that she'll lick me, or something I happen to be holding in my hand, or someone standing next to me. That's why I always carry lollipops in my pockets.

I'm pretty sure Hayden would dig me. I never use oil-based soaps. I hardly ever perspire, and I shave my forearms. This, naturally, leads to an enjoyable, easy-licking experience.

And I really do like Dolphins. For those of you who've been on the moon or something for the past few months, Hayden loves dolphins and whales. She swims with them, and gets in the way of evil fishermen who try and kill them. Dolphins and whales, of course are mammals. Unlike most fish they don't have spines, scales, or a slimey coat. And they are almost entirely hairless. They are without a doubt, some of the most lickable animals Mother Nature has to offer. Anyway, I love dolphins. They are smart and funny, and smile all the time. Have you seen a dolphin face? It's always smiling. If it were up to me, no dolphin would ever die. They'd fill the sea.

I went and looked up Oral Fixation on Wikipedia, because Wikipedia has all the answers. Seriously, if it's not on there, it probably isn't true. ANYONE can post information on Wikipedia. ANYONE. No editing or censorship or anything. If you want the truth, go to Wikipedia.

Wikipedia says that Hayden probably didn't get breast fed enough or something. That she was underfed or neglected, and became orally dependent and obsessed with achieving the oral stimulation of which she was deprived, and that she's learned to lick stuff to fulfill her needs rather than maturing to independence. That's sad. And hot.

I've already established that she's an altruist and not a typically selfish, orally fixated person. That's exactly why I take a lot of painstaking precaution to keep my forearms smooth and dolphin-like in the event that I meet her in person some day.

I hope we all can learn to love the world as much as Hayden Panettierre does.

Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

I've been going to the movies for a long time, and in that time I've seen plenty of previews. I don't need to see the movies anymore to write a good review. I guarantee 100% accuracy.


Atonement



In this period piece, Kiera Knightley is once again not nearly as hot as she should be. She uses her English accent to sound super classy. She wears really big clothes and falls in love with some good looking guy who also has an English accent. Something happens to make this love difficult to sustain. Then, Kiera Knightley undergoes some sort of character development and maturation, where she decides to take her life into her own hands, despite the social forces of the era that try and define her. In the end, tragically, she can't be with the man she loves, but still, she would not have done it any other way.




Cloverfield


A bunch of people in New York City live care-free lives filled with normal little problems like everyone else. Then, a gigantic monster starts plowing through the city and they realize that those problems were relatively small. The monster looks like a retarded turtle/squid and is on the screen for about a total of 9 minutes. Lots of people die. A few of the main characters live. New York City will never be the same. It was all the government's fault.




Meet the Spartans



Judd Apatow meets Woody Allen in this fanciful farce. This clever parody manages to take stinging jabs at modern Hollywood formula without patronizing the audience. Expect to be laughing out loud in the theater at many of the jokes, but laughing to yourself days later as many of the punch lines take time and reflection to hit home.