The Fourth Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

Fiona Apple.

Keep in mind this is over 3 years old. She knew how funny this guy was before you did.

She is so funny and ironic. Her videos, her lyrics. The restraining orders she's taken out against me. She really "gets' it, you know?

Rap was good once

I would like to be able to travel back in time so that I could alter the course of rap evolution, so that it would bear the remnants of De La Soul and the Pharcyde today, instead of NWA and Tupak. Which is what this guns and bling crap is.

I have no idea how I would do this, by the way. But, I'm sure if I just sat down and had a nice chat with the rap community they would listen to me.

The 5th Hottest Female Celebrity in the World

Felicia Day.

Go check out "The Guild" on the interenet. Start with Season 1.

1. She plays (or has played) WoW in real life, obsessively.
2. She's hilarious, in a female Michael Cera sort of way.
3. She was on Buffy.
4. She's a Longhorn.
5. She plays Alliance.

I'm usually a year or two behind on this stuff, but The Guild is really fantastic. It's everything the internet is supposed to be.

When I get David Price for under $10.....

.....I'm doing this.

Class Disparity, Inner City Violence

In Honor of the Upcoming GI JOE Movie

I have very high hopes for the upcoming GI JOE movie. I love GI JOE. My kids aren't allowed to touch it, or know it exists, because my wife says it is a thinly veiled attempt to indoctrinate children into joining the military some day. And being in the military tends to get you killed or maimed. Which we don't want for our kids.

But, you know what. It's pure awesomeness anyway. I fucking love GI JOE. It was a stroke of genius to make them on the same scale as the Star Wars guys. They could play together. I mean, what would Han Solo the space mechanic have been without Clutch the army mechanic at his side throughout the eighties?

And they made awesome pretend basketball players. I think I'll post on that later.

On another note...why is Doc waiting at the bathroom window of these kids' house? What the hell is he doing there?

Ranking the Catchers

My name is Colton P. Jennings. I am not just a "fantasy baseball publicist," and I certainly am not a propagandist. That's like saying, "Faith Hill is kinda pretty," or "Colt Seavers is a good stunt man," or "Burt Reynold's is a good driver." I ---- am an architect of information.

The owner of this here blog, a man who goes by the name of Mr. Ortho, my esteemed employer, insists on ranking his fantasy baseball players for all the world to lay eyes on.

Now, Mr. Ortho doesn't pay me what he pays me to have me to hang Jews from a telephone pole, and I advised him that such a course is unwise. He did it last year, and that ill advised disclosure, along with his limited access to the Internet during the working hours cost him the fantasy baseball championship. No one is really arguing that.

"Mr. Ortho," I said, "If it's 1945, and you have yourself the atom bomb, you don't calling the Nips on the telephone and telling them that E = mc squared and whatnot." And besides those ingrate owners ain't gonna thank you. Hell, they'd complain if Jesus Christ came down and handed them each a $5 bill.

But, Mr. Ortho, he's what you call one of them philanthropists, and he insists on sharing. He tells me it's part of the game, and orders me to run his list of dollar values here on this website. And well, he's the boss, and I'm gonna list his catchers right here, even if I think this is dumber idea than putting teats on a rain barrel.

The CATCHERS




Washed up


13. AJ Pierzynski $1

He's a wrestler for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. I'm not making that up. If you have him on your team, know that you have the biggest cocksucker in the history of baseball on your team. Last year in an important game against the Rays he made a bone-headed base running mistake, then threw an elbow at Willy Aybar, making it look like Aybar had obstructed him. He got away with it, and secured his seat in hell next to Ty Cobb.


12. Jorge Posada $1

He's 37, and he didn't play at all last year. Don't fall into the typical trap of looking at his stats from before he got hurt, and figure he'll come back and match those numbers. He's through.



11. Victor Martinez $4

266 at bats. .702 OPS. He's done.



10. Benji Molina $4

He's very old. And he plays in a pitcher's park. Pay for him if you want, but you will be disappointed.


Too Early


9. Matt Weiters $5

He's not ready. Don't fall for it. Although he sure is handsome.







8. Kelly Shoppach $5

He had some nice power in limited at bats. But he won't play every day, and he's not going to get you great numbers this year. The 21 home runs were a mirage.


7. Chri Iannetta $5

Coors Field isn't the schmorgasborge of home runs it used to be. Not without the steroids. Don't be the one to overpay for the catcher just because he's a Rocky.


6. Ryan Doumit $5

Boring.


Overrated

5. Joe Mauer $12

He's a slappy. You know it's true.


4. Brian McCann $13

He isn't really as good as he was last year. Look for him to come crashing back to earth.


Super Star Sleeper


3. Gerald Laird $20

You will regret it if you are not the one who pays for this guy. He had an overwhelming Eye at 3.22 and his PPCILomp was 7.44! Don't overlook that. This is a superstar in the making.


Cream of the Crop


2. Russell Martin $24

If you don't like him, then you don't like young durable catchers who steal bases. And you probably don't like sweet potatoes and peeking at your big sister's breasts.


1. Geovany Soto $26

Maybe he spells his name wrong, but he was 13th in the MVP race, and he's 25. Tremendous OPS for a catcher. He's the best Cub catcher since Gabby Hartnett.

Lily Allen is the greatest - So am I

Check this out. She'll let you feel her third nipple. She has a Homer Simpson tatoo. I rest my case.



IN OTHER NEWS

Bad news for the boys at Indiana. They have agreed to an auction format for fantasy baseball this year. They are not going to know what hit them. They think that because they are all lawyers that they can just study like they did in law school. Well, this isn't law school. This is fantasy baseball. Being high is an ADVANTAGE in an auction format.

I'm not going to make the same mistake I did last year and post my predictions. I'm pretty sure that's what did me in. Also, this summer I'm moving and changing jobs. I don't know what job it's going to be, but I can assure you my first question in the interview process will be about computer access and firewalls in the office. Hopefully, they will invent some sort of hand-held device that can access the internet by then. That would be sweet. And I would so all over that, cause I'm totally up on the technology thing.